Happy??!!??

I’m an expressive person, always have been and as i write this i have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy, release or what i do not know. I feel more free with energy and life.

I feel HAPPY.??!!

I have not often felt so happy, since being diagnosed and hadn’t even realised just how euphoric and giddy the feeling is and here i will need to pause as the tears flow too fast to see.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

What lead me to this point is hard to answer. A hundred different choices and decisions, all the fights and pushing on even when i felt i must just give up. Many of my poems were written in the darker days but now looking back it feels i was always very slowly inching forwards.

At times I all but gave up, closing in on myself and hibernating…… but then when I re-entered the fight – to have a life to have purpose and joy – I came back fighting that bit harder for my freedom.

Freedom;

Its a perfect description of what I feel; so overwhelmed and without fear, not looking back, holding a plan to move forward but happy in this place right now.

I have often striven to be more in the moment and this felt the first time I had truly achieved this aim (other than when with another such as my husband or a close friend) when alone I could never be in the moment, not truly.

There are still a great number of reasons to not be happy, to be fearful and depressed but i don’t feel that way and this is a shock to me. Like a new found experience, I feel at a loss for how to describe and so it is not that surprising that my initial response was to express my feelings without the use of words; in that initial moment I danced. I span and expressed myself with movement and freedom and something broke inside me, some wall crumbled.

Here again I had to pause as more tears flooded down my face as I relive that special moment of abandoned joy.

I had convinced myself that dancing would never again be a part of my life, the every day motions of living were so painful that to dance seemed out of reach. I had no idea how much this thought of loss and pain had changed me. The cutting out of my life dancing had finally stopped today as I danced without pain or fear.

To say I’m in shock is an understatement, I’m shaking and crying and just wondering over it all. In a space of maybe 20 minutes I have gone from a sedate state of moving along through life to having a real happiness at my achievements and here, I think, must have been the trigger of release. All those times I had said

‘I can’t…’

but IĀ did!!!

I have recently done many extra hours of work, a feat I thought would never be possible. I pushed myself, suffered with the pain and pushed on again. Over November I worked 54 over time hours, It was the act of writing down these overtime hours that made me realise just what I had achieved and so as I went to grab some lunch I found myself dancing in the kitchen, expressing my joy of finally beating one of my ‘I can’t ever….’ statements.

I’m still in shock and just needed to write down these feelings as they pour out of me like a cleanse from within.

I feel free šŸ™‚

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5 thoughts on “Happy??!!??

  1. Fi, you sound positively delirious with joy. I don’t know what has wrought tbe change but I’m happy for you that something has shifted and made you feel this way. I’m wondering now whether it’s a change in situation or a shift in perspective. Whatever it is, enjoy! I’m really pleased for you.x

    1. I think more of perspective but it was a realisation of how far i had come and how i had beaten my expectations, words dont really explain it but it was an amazing feeling.

  2. I am happy too! It is my general countenance! It’s nice to meet another happy person! Blessings on your day. I see my friend Richard is here. I love that guy! He’s my favorite poet and writer on WP. I’m following you now!

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